Only the best statuses for all occasions. Cool statuses for all occasions. Funny statuses for all occasions
Today I talked so much that even my left lips are cramping...
A gentleman never leaves the woman he loves. He leaves her to be desired
People feel such a need for love that some even love their spouses
Some look at things philosophically, others look at their absence
Did you know that if the only furniture you have is a coffee table, then you are not a journalist, you are an alcoholic
Linguistics or 100 and 1 ways to put a student to sleep
In crooked hands and the calculator freezes
Students from the Mytishchi Culinary College invented the “Dream” sandwich. This is when you have two pieces of bread and you dream of meat between them
You are a real businessman if “Mask Show” is not an entertaining TV show for you
From a news agency report: “A group of Russian hackers hacked the security on the main server of the Lord God and set themselves endless money and eternal life.”
If there is an answering machine, then there must be an auto-plaintiff
If you are tired of your cat, do not rush to throw it away: it can make a wonderful rabbit in sour cream!
Treat people the way you want them to treat you. Give your husband some tights!
Of all my wife's relatives, I like me the most.
When was democracy born? -When God brought Adam to Eve and said: “Choose yourself a wife.”
You often hope that a person is covering your back, but it turns out that he is simply hiding behind it.
The old man threw the net into the blue sea. The blue sea has become cloudy. The old man had not washed his net for a long time.
In Natasha Rostova's life there was only one man who could do whatever he wanted with her. His name was Leo Tolstoy.
Mothers love their children more than fathers because they are more confident that these are their children... /Aristotle 384-322 BC.
Yesterday, at a reception in the Kremlin, the wife of the American ambassador refused to eat pears, citing the fact that she knows what they do with them in Russia...
The best husbands are civil servants: they never come home tired, and their newspaper is always read by this time.
If you drank two hundred grams, drinking three hundred is a matter of honor!
You can't ruin a beautiful woman with makeup.
“Na-Na” in English - “Take That”.
Your pussy would buy Whiskas... hold Murka tight.
Don't spit in the well - there's an ammunition depot there.
Freebie! How much in this word came together for the Russian heart!
There is no such pure and bright thought that a Russian person could not express in a dirty, obscene form.
Head of the administration.
Finnish vodka in warm company is better than warm vodka in Finnish company.
Democracy with elements of dictatorship is like constipation with elements of diarrhea.
I'd like to beat you, but it's a pity for my teeth.
You slurp less, you eat more.
Yesterday in the yard I was fooling around with the children... We played the game “Freeze!” Only I quickly ran out of liquid nitrogen...
Is it surprising that Columbus discovered America? She's so big it would be surprising if he didn't notice her
Pondering life leaves no time to live
Time heals, don't waste it in queues to see doctors
Father's house is the house where they reprimand
The majority will endure everything, except the minority
Yesterday I talked to a sexual maniac. He told me to go to hell all the time...
The less you spend on the Internet, the children will be healthier!
When running away from a heart attack, beware of hyperdynamia
If a girl's heart is closed, knock on her kidneys.
The highest degree of gaming mastery is when the gamer and the computer slow down in sync.
The mouse ran, waved its tail - it would be carried away and slammed into the wall!
Woodpeckers caught marmots in flagrante delicto!
The computer does not obey the laws of physics. Only in it glitches arise out of nothing, files disappear into nowhere, and volume is measured in meters and is called weight.
Any girl will be at your feet, the main thing is to hit her in the jaw with the first blow...
A hedgehog with a hangover simply became anti-tank.
Due to the lack of everything else, foreigners usually say that they like our people the most.
Eating is much more interesting than losing weight.
Tax infection.
A samurai differs from a surgeon in that when he cuts the stomach, he knows why he is doing it.
Every day your wife Masha.
To neglect is to not abuse enough.
My phone rang... Who's talking?... Riot police!
A distinctive feature of most natives is their love of humanity.
The only thing more fun than an elephant in a china shop is a baby elephant in Faberge's shop.
There is a sign on the bus: don’t sit in the conductor’s seat, next to it on the glass: don’t look out the conductor’s window...
If you scatter yarn and knitting needles on the floor in your apartment, then grannies will appear in the apartment.
On Monday morning you really envy the unemployed.
The gender reassignment surgery was successful. I'm quite.
Eight hours of sleep at work.
Cod liver causes liver cracking.
...And finally - about the weather. On weekends in Magadan it will be 30 degrees. 15 on Saturday and 15 on Sunday.
For almost half of the people, life is an evolution from young stallions to old bucks.
Petrov, you are an idiot!...but captain... This is an order!!!
“02” - if somewhere a person is in trouble. “03” - if somewhere a person falls into “02”.
Courage is not about starting a fight, but about being able to avoid it.
Moldavian scientists came to the conclusion that most vitamins are found in pharmacies.
Uncultured people litter everywhere and don’t even notice, but cultured people throw garbage and suffer greatly.
Who in the world is the cutest, the most rosy and the whitest? Salo.
All day long, garbage was flying, from silvery metal... a lot of unidentified garbage these days...
Have you ever tried drying your hair with a mixer? The hair turns out thin, but curly!
Justice, at least sometimes take the side of those who are on your side!
Saving is a way to spend money without any pleasure.
A lazy person is a person who does not pretend to work.
Evening darkness is more pleasant than morning darkness.
Computer games have made a monkey out of man!
Appetite and guests come during meals.
The subscriber is in the zone and is temporarily unavailable.
Nobody knows as much as I don't...
I want to live forever. So far it's working.
Take people's word, certified by signature and seal.
One head is good, but with a body it’s better.
Is it okay what I say when you interrupt?
You shouldn’t respond to evil with violence, you can’t even imagine what raped evil is capable of!
If you think smoking doesn't affect a woman's voice, try flicking the ashes onto the carpet.
Talk, talk, I always yawn when I'm interested.
A woman is kind: she can forgive a man everything, even if he is not guilty of anything.
If you hesitate for a long time, you can sway everyone...
How quickly time flies: you don’t even have time to wake up and you’re already late for work.
A woman driving is like a star in the sky: you see her, but she doesn’t see you.
Workers are needed to work on the job. Payment in money.
What a pity that you are finally leaving...
Life is what happens when you are busy implementing other plans.
Healthy sleep not only prolongs life, but also reduces working hours.
Hurry up to live so you can start all over again.
I want to go to hell, not heaven. There I can enjoy the company of popes, kings and dukes, while heaven is inhabited only by beggars, monks and apostles.
Be careful what you wish for, otherwise your wishes may come true.
There's no point in growing wings if you don't know where to fly.
For such jokes, there are gaps in the teeth.
May you drown in a puddle!
Say something! -Anything!
One more word and the composition of your teeth will change.
A woman driving is a car without a driver!
Dog, dog, let's be friends! We’ll fly with you to distant countries, and people will look and say - the dogs are flying, autumn is coming...
They ask me - Are you friends with your head? I say yes! Every day we go to school with her, we sit, we go out, we sit at home, and at night I tell her fairy tales!
Grandma had two e-mails at once: One is honest, the other is on the left, Just like that, for spam
Better plaster and a crib than granite and a fence...
Be sure to get married. If you get a good wife, you will become happy, and if you get a bad wife, you will become a philosopher.
How to get there and there?
If a horse tells you that you are crazy, then you are...
A good disease: sclerosis: nothing hurts and there’s news every day!
You walk through a hemp field and the river will tell you!
Cats that eat Whiskas are the best food for your dog.
One day Carlson put his pants on inside out... This is how the meat grinder appeared.
The terrorists who seized the distillery have been unable to formulate their demands for the fifth day.
One head is good, but two are mutant!
The energy of laziness is the most inexhaustible.
I'm not sleeping, I'm just blinking slowly.
Pass the fare! -And the magic word? -Abracadabra!
Hey, what’s this, well... this... damn, I remembered! NIC!!!
Appreciate fig source books.
Don't go into the water near the chemical plant.
You're spinning like a squirrel in a meat grinder...
I came to you with greetings, with an iron and a gun.
Riddle: red bed, heels stick out Answer: red bed heel sticker
MTS - My Yours Listens
When you talk to God, that's prayer. When God talks to you, it's schizophrenia!
Don't steal, the government doesn't like competitors!
Men are always right and women are never wrong.
To prevent you from smelling like garlic, rinse your mouth with kerosene...
When I eat, I am deaf and dumb, cunning and fast, and devilishly smart...
The baby is a great example of a ruling minority.
May you live as poor as you are!
God created woman later because he did not want to listen to advice when creating man.
A genius sleeps within each of us, and every day it grows stronger.
I am made from a man's rib to protect his heart...
Gorilka is not Ukrainian vodka, it is a small anthropoid monkey.
A girl is like a calculator: she adds problems, takes up time, multiplies expenses, divides property!
A well-hinged tongue always itches.
It's no wonder women don't have time for anything: just look at their tiny watches.
Tell me what you're thinking about and I'll tell you what.
The most irresistible women's cosmetics are powder for male brains!
The later the ambulance arrives, the more accurate its diagnosis...
If Eve did not cheat on Adam, then why did humanity come from apes?
The weather vane was nailed down tightly, and the wind was blowing doomedly in the indicated direction...
If you are late for work, it means you have it.
The absence of complaints about the quality of parachutes does not mean they are impeccable!
The terrorists' ransom demands have been met. The terrorists were ransomed and put to bed.
April Fools' Day is an American folk holiday.
No one has ever died from knowledge, but I don’t want to risk it.
By elevator: The elevator is not working. The nearest elevator is in the next entrance.
The goose also thought he was swimming until the water boiled...
My salary is good... small, but good...
On the post: I will buy an apartment in this house.
They greeted us based on their clothes - and they also showed us off poorly.
Psychiatrists are the first to see changes.
In order for a cow to eat less and produce more milk, should she be fed less and milked more?
We will live hard, but not for long.
There was such a strong wind that cigarettes were thrown out along with the teeth.
I was slightly scared.
What roof doesn't like driving fast!
My hair used to be dry and lifeless, but now it's damp and wiggly.
A sponsor is a person who finds it easier to part with money than to explain where it came from.
When some people are in a bad mood, they start to stink...
They say: “Beauty will save the world,” but I think it’s arrogance... to dump such responsibility on me!
Oh, how tired I am of fame! The ones who don't want to come...
I want to get sick with such a disease that the doctor will write in the prescription: CHAMPAGNE and SEX...
How nice it is when people themselves realize that they are no longer worthy of being my friends and move away.
Darling! For your sake, I am ready to do anything: swim across the ocean, jump into the abyss! Know that on the way to you I am not afraid of any difficulties or difficulties, I will overcome everything! I love you!!! P.S. I'll be there on Sunday if it doesn't rain.
Odnoklassniki is evil! won't let me sleep! All! I got ready and went to get a knife to cut the cord!...2 hours later, yay, it worked! I glued the cord!!! I'm on Odnoklassniki!
Yes, I’m generally cool, no, but most importantly, modest.
Naaah! take a ruble, as soon as you know your worth, you will return the change.
Mom said, he’ll be a sailor and quit, yes... It’s a pity that he quit, but what a great sailor he was...
I'm a creative girl. I want to create, I want to create.
It’s interesting what is shown on the Shkolnik channel at 2.15 am in the program “German with Pleasure”.
I really wanted to sleep with her. But isn’t self-restraint a sign of an established personality?
The rooster sings even the morning when he is put into the soup.
People are accepted into heaven not on merit, but on patronage, otherwise you would remain outside the threshold and let your dog in.
A muzzled dog barks backwards.
I'm sick! Fever, runny nose, sore throat! I crawled under the blanket and inhaled boiled potatoes, just in case I grabbed a fork, mushrooms and vodka, I hope it helps.
Life is a big supermarket! Take what you want, but remember: there is a cash register ahead and you have to pay for everything...
Now friends have categories: Relatives, best friends, colleagues, school friends, university friends: All that remains is to add? “cool dudes, drank together, and who the hell knows they added to it themselves!!!
One day they asked a wise old man. Why does a woman have headaches so often? The elder answered with the truth. “Only weak men give women headaches.” Strong, real men make her dizzy...
And why didn’t a single suicide bomber think of getting into the ‘House 2’ project?
In order to find a common language with a man, you need to bite
You just have to want it and any woman will be at your feet. The main thing is to hit the jaw accurately.
THE SOUL IS ASKING FOR A HOLIDAY...THE WALLET OF MERCY...THE BRAIN IS IN SHOCK!!!
Be very wary of taxi drivers. They are all maniacs - they always ask: “Waskuda?!”
When asked why I was born, I will answer: “For Fame, Money and men!”
Do you also yell at the things you hit?
If every person has a guardian angel, then mine is either sleeping somewhere or seriously swollen.
In life, like in the rain, there comes a moment when you just don’t care anymore.
I'm looking for the meaning of life. I'll find it and hide it!
May you, my friends, drown in love!!! May you fall into the abyss of tenderness!!! May you disappear in the Maldives for a month!!! Yes, I don’t want to see you sad!!!
When you feel bad in your soul and “Nescafe” doesn’t fit into your throat, call me quickly, we’ll scrape together for vodka!
If a black cat with 2 empty buckets crosses your path, you definitely don’t expect happiness
I feel like wet salt in a salt shaker...I’m not getting enough sleep!
The blanket ran away, the sheet flew away, I wish I could let it go quickly before my mother comes!
Taking over the world is half the battle... The main thing is how to rule them on the sly from the orderlies!
Women’s motto: “Fight and search, find and... don’t give!!!”
If you are lucky once in your life,
For example, a layer of gold was found.
Then you will always find an asshole,
What he sees and of course passes.
No matter how much bad things they say about me, I always have something to add. 113
Nothing limits your actions like the phrase “do what you want”... 84
Guys get jealous when they love you. Girls are jealous even when they don't love you. 85
Can't find an approach to me? Go around! 243 (1) - cool statuses
Comrade, let’s go check out the cash... 17
Nothing strengthens faith in a person more than 100% prepayment. 29
If you know exactly who is to blame, don’t give yourself away. 56
I walk with my eyes closed and a smile from ear to ear, towards my future happiness, through a field of rakes... 125
From the statement: “How do I feel…” Crossed out. “How I did you all...” Crossed out. “Yes, you all should go to...” Crossed out. “Please grant me another vacation.” 37
Dear Money! I miss you very much. I promise to buy you a new wallet. If you want, you can invite your relatives from Europe or America - I won’t object. I will accept everyone! 38
I want chronic health, progressive happiness, recurring success, a hypertensive salary, and an eternally pregnant wallet without the threat of miscarriage!))) 51
The best way to test a guy’s fidelity is to ask the sleeping person in the morning the question: “Will you go to yours or will you stay with me?” 76
According to statistics, the phrase “How huge he is!” Most often heard by a spider. 75
Briefly about yourself: Year of manufacture 1991, Mileage 20, Light color, Height 162, Lights blue, Documents on hand, Tuning present, Body not damaged, not rusty, Roof in place, but no brakes. All options, I start with half a turn. 65
You can't look in the mirror when you eat - you'll eat away your happiness. And when you drink, you drink. And it’s better not to hang a mirror in the toilet at all... 74
Sex is when he wants, erotica is when she wants, porn is when both want. 52
If you don't have the money to change your wardrobe, change your job! For the new team, all your old clothes are new. 38
Flowers should be for no reason... Happiness should be unique... The house should be warm... The weather - and it doesn’t matter what the weather is! But love should be mutual. 52
All people bring happiness - some by their presence, others by their absence) 74
What would I give to a person who has everything? I would punch him in the jaw. 21
If men knew what women were thinking, they would court twenty times more boldly. 46
Only nesting dolls can live soul to soul. 73
I need to call my mom and tell her where I am. - Hello, mom? Where I am? 55
The little boy was watching porn. I didn’t understand the film, but I was very sweaty. 30
The main thing is that they are waiting for you at home, and not waiting for you 60
Chocolate tastes twice as good if you can’t have it) 45
The Lord protects us all. But the shelf life is different for everyone. 55
I am protected by the great ancient Egyptian god of peace and tranquility - DANUNAH. 77
Every day those around me prove to me that life without a brain is real. 76
No one will die a virgin: life will fuck us all. 38
It's time to put up, tomorrow is payday...
Tomorrow I have hysterics and shopping
I didn’t gain weight; I was bursting with pride.
I wear headphones. I don't like ears.
Your own dog “does business”, someone else’s dog does shit...
Awesome male logic: “offend your girlfriend and be offended by her for offending her!”
Men, have you ever been embarrassed by the phrase:
“I already did! Go to eat!" ???
Come visit me: with daisies (because I'm a girl) and with a bottle of whiskey (because I'm still a girl).
I learned to find a way out of the most confusing situations!
The only thing that amazes me is how do I find the entrance there!?
Everyone is in pairs, and I am in bars.
Let's light a fire? I've messed up so much...
Checkmate is like Raffaello. Instead of a thousand words…
I hear someone walking in the closet... I open it, and there dresses are going out of fashion!
You've been staring blankly out the window for 15 minutes!
- Fuck off, I'm walking))
It’s not life that changes us, it’s people that change us.
What?
Is Valentine's Day coming soon?
Damn, I forgot to get a boyfriend again
After the candy-bouquet period in a relationship, the pot-and-cutlet period begins!
I got sick in a good mood... I won’t take sick leave! Let people get infected...=)
At night you just can’t lie down more comfortably, but in the morning, damn it, no matter how you lie down, it’s COMFORTABLE...
Today, for the first time in six months, I opened the cover of the system unit and realized where the garbage is removed from the basket...
If a man says that you will live forever in his heart, do not flatter yourself, perhaps he has a hostel there.
For some reason, most women believe that they only say stupid things when they're drunk.
Yesterday I bought a dress: it fit perfectly, perfect fit. I tried it on today and it’s not enough. Probably the breasts have grown...
Sometimes a day is worth more than a year, sometimes a year is not worth a day.
Scientists have come to the conclusion that there is life on Mars, and on Mars they have come to the conclusion that people on earth have been stupid for a long time.
I'll buy myself a dog. I'll call her Good. You come home, and it’s always good there.
There was no need to dry my hair with a hairdryer, otherwise my thoughts would be scattered... =)
It would be nice to charge your wallet in the evening. In the morning you get up and check that it’s full.
Hello dear. How are you? How are the elbows?... Delicious?
A girl who doesn’t drink doesn’t even know how her exes are doing...
There should be a man in a woman, and not some kind of mystery!!!)))
At the end of the tunnel there is no dead end or even an exit. There's a mirror reflecting your light.
But there was a time when we really didn’t understand why adults drink alcohol...
My sexual fantasy for the weekend is to sleep in all positions.
The day started well, and then I woke up.
Began renovation in high-tech style. Finished in the style of “let it go”...
Just imagine that a person is sitting somewhere and stroking your avatar with the cursor! 😉
It's a pity that there is no "International Goat Day". I would like to congratulate some...
“A woman is a complex creature - even the key to her heart must be inserted in a completely different place”
Nothing excites a woman more than a 70% discount
MEN!!! Don't worry about gifts for your lady. Just go to the first jewelry store you come across!!!
In joy and sorrow, no matter what the stress, keep your brains, tongue and weight under control!
You have to try everything in life. The main thing is not to start with the Internet.
Save me from partying - take me as a wife!
As long as you don't like life, it passes
Summer is coming, and I have nothing to undress in.
For us girls, everything is simple: long hair needs to be cut, short hair needs extensions, straight hair needs to be curled, and curly hair needs to be straightened.
And it all started with the thought: “Okay... I’ll add him as a friend.”
Soul on the sea, butt on a chair.
It's great to be a young mom on maternity leave! Jumped up at 6 o'clock, fed, washed, played peek-a-boo, cooked dinner, fed, put to bed, washed, fed, played peek-a-boo, bought, put to bed, you can go and comb your hair...)))
